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In my last posting I wrote about misunderstanding and a few things we can do to avoid it. One of the best practical actions is to ask questions — adopt a stance of inquiry while others are speaking. While you can't go wrong following Rudyard Kipling's advice,
"These six honest serving men taught me all I knew: who, what, where, when, why and how are their names."
That little diddy doesn't go far enough. Here are two more revealing questions.
- Why do you say that?
- What possibilities are opened (or closed) for me (us)?
The first question is an invitation for the speaker to say more about his/her statements/opinions. The answer to the question reveals how the person sees the world. The question is encouragement for the speaker to continue speaking. Be careful…adopt a stance of curiosity when asking the question. Otherwise, the speaker may interpret your questioning as an inquisition.
The second question starts an investigation about how our futures might be better or worse based on the statements the speaker is making. It is a serious question. Adopt a stance of speculation when asking the question. You can't know for sure how the future might be better or worse. You can only surmise what it might be. Inevitably, the answers to the question will lead you to new action.
These questions are a start — a good start — for a speaking-listening relationship that minimizes misunderstanding. Try it.
? Guy Kawasaki wrote, "Less is the new more." Easy to learn: symmetry, seduction, subtraction, and sustainability. Very valuable to do. Step 1: Read Matt's book!! just 140 keystrokes.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Hal, a great post.
And it opens a further possibility
Could you write at some time about how one choses and adopts a certain mood? You and I have talked about this a lot and it is very useful. Yet, I think most are unfamiliar with that. What does a mood of curiosity look like? What does it not look like? What attitudes do I assume to be curious? How do I let the listener know I am genuine in this?
Same set of questions for other moods.
I say this simply because it is a powerful and simple tool for communication, if used sincerely and not manipulatively.
Thanks for listening!!
Hi Joe,
I will write about it. In short, mood is a predisposition towards the future. The word attitude fits nicely, just like attitude when flying — a leaning towards or away from something.
Mood can be circumstantial or pervasive. One of the best expressions about mood I think was stated by Fernando Flores. “Moods have us.” In other words, we do get out of the right or wrong sides of the bed. However, we can choose to ignore that.
I’ll write more about it in the coming weeks. I’ll also add it to my book.
Hal
Hal – one of the best things to do on the who-what-where-when-why-how is to ask the question multiple times. For example, during problem definition, lots of people want to jump right to a solution… “we need…” or “we have a lack of…” By asking “why?” multiple times (generally up to 5), one can break down the defenses to find out the real meaning behind the problem. Asking questions in general is a great (non-threatening) approach. Great post
What does a mood of curiosity look like?
It is strongly associated to empathy.
Empathy means you are fully connected with the guy you are talking to, not only the facts he is saying but his state of mood too.
So if you want to appear cuirous to this guy, you have to be empathic and show him that you not only understand him, but also support and understand his feelings too. Quite a program!
mostly related to non verbal signs…
It’s like sport. Practice it and walk the talk… then came the curiosity