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I prepared this top ten list of listening skills with an eye towards developing mastery. Not that I have mastered the skill of listening, but because it is a skill worth mastering. I am sharing it here due to the enthusiasm readers have shown for the topic.

This posting is quite long and I have stripped all but the last two exercises that go with each listening skill. While the source of each skill comes from someone else, I take full responsibility for the collection and the commentary that follows each item. I urge you to practice one skill at a time. Give each one at least two weeks before moving down the list. You are also welcome to share this list freely with your team. They are sure to help you in developing mastery!

We start each studio note with a quote from a leader.

Listen to the voice of David

In the bible, nobody listens to David. There were plenty of gizmos with which to fight Goliath, and David was dismissed as a punk kid with a slingshot. In the end, the kid was right. When I've made a good decision, it's usually because I've listened to the voice of David.

I'm running into stories on listening everywhere. (Just like that Jeep Wrangler I have my eye on. I see one everyday.) I've been studying and coaching listening for 15 years. As I prepared to write these notes, I re-read just under 50 sources on listening. It seems every article on listening has a list of ten steps for more effective listening. Much of it is common from one article to the next. After reading and re-reading, I've compiled my top ten with references to the sources:

Listening Top Ten Countdown

10. Stop talking.
    The Top Ten Tools for Effective Listening, Dr. Philip E. Humbert, Resources for Your Success!

    This is an obvious place to start, yet people routinely speak over each other neither listening to what the other is saying each only intent on being heard. This behavior has as its source an intent to force an outcome. That outcome is to have ones own views prevail. This is selfish and imprudent.

    How many times must we learn that two are smarter than one and three are smarter than two? We all want to be smarter. Stop talking. People who speak over others don't trust that their concerns, wants, or needs will be addressed by the speaker. A key to having others care about your concerns is to start caring about their concerns.

    Stop talking.

9. Put all your energy into listening.
   The Top 10 Listening 101 for Listening 1-on-1, Debra Atkinson, Life's Too Good to Be True

   We live at a time when it is just too easy to multi-task. We can use instant messaging while we are on the phone and using the mute function have a conversation with someone else. This is absurd. There is no chance that listening is occurring…in any of those situations. Putting all ones energy into listening means give it 100% of your attention. Attention is the only zero-sum resource we have. If I give my attention to you, then I don't have attention in that moment for someone or something else. That's just the way it works.

   I find I give the most energy to those tasks I am most excited about. So the million dollar question is, "What is it about listening to a particular person that gets you excited?"

   Maybe listening doesn't take extra energy. Good listeners describe the experience as effortless rather than consuming energy. Some even say that they get energy while listening fully. The short term job for you is this: learn to put all of your energy into listening so that listening becomes effortless.

8. Notice your own filters when listening.
   The Top 10 Variations on an Ineffective Listening Theme, Susan W. Abrams, Coachville's Top Ten

   We really don't have filters. We're all different and we are the same:

   • We have our own concerns.
     Our interests, intentions, and worries are unique.
   • We have our own experiences.
   • We have a rich set of distinctions.
     Our set is different from the set that another person has.
   • We have our commitments.
     Some of those commitments may be pressing.
   • We have a perspective on the world.
   • We have moods. (Or, do moods have us?)
     Moods are circumstantial and pervasive.
   • And we have our blindness.
     There are some things that we will never see.

   These combine for a filtering effect.

   We are able to operate safely in the world thanks to a neuro-biological phenomenon — the reticular activating system (RAS). The system is part of our autonomic system for regulating our body and keeping us safe. The RAS allows us to go about our lives without being preoccupied. And the RAS lets through the filter only what is important.

   It takes self-noticing in the midst of a conversation to counter filtering effects. We do that by offering questions to the speaker for elaboration. I've found that I am most surprised by what people say in answer to a question of elaboration when I think I already understand them.

7. Don't argue mentally.
   Effective Listening, Gregory Wells, Davis and Elkin College

   I agree.
   I don't agree.
   I really don't agree.
   Now that's insane!

   Agreeing and disagreeing are forms of arguing. Argument: to make a case for or against. When we listen for agreement we are not listening. We have some intention for validating our own views, ourself, or the person speaking. It's quite the trap. When we disagree we usually let the speaker know. You're wrong. Rarely are the parties then able to have a productive conversation. The speaker feels criticized. The listener is righteous. This is not a good condition for listening.

   Agreeing can be worse. I think this person is very smart. I'm in full agreement. Agreeing is just another form of not listening. When we agree, we have no reason to ask questions or encourage the person to go on. We agree. Let's get on with it. Agreement is the ultimate form of dismissal. The speaker feels affirmed by your agreement AND you're not listening!

6. Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions.
   Tips on Effective Listening, Larry Alan Nadig

   Most of us want to be helpful. Many go overboard setting out to fix whatever is broken for others. Questions are often indicators of something that is of concern for the speaker. A mother asks, "When will you be home?" Answering, "11:00 PM" misses the concern for safety or her own needs. Perhaps she is lonely. The quick answer to the question fails to reveal the concern. Asking, "Mom, why do you ask?" provides the opportunity for Mom to share what she cares about.

5. Adjust to the situation.
   Listening Effectively, John A. Kline

   The situation is never what we anticipate it to be. That's right, NEVER. However, the situation often matches what we anticipate it to be. Why? We don't really see situations as they are. We perceive them based on our filters. And those perceptions are strongly influenced by what we are looking for. (Remember that Jeep Wrangler?)

   Adjusting to a situation requires that we suspend our going-in presumption of the situation. Once suspended we are able to newly perceive it. Then we can choose to attune to the situation as we now perceive it.

   When we encounter something other than expected it can have both positive and negative impacts on our listening. We expect a speaker will be calm, yet when the person speaks it is with full emotion.. Are you ready for that? Listening in the presence of the unexpected takes intention and attention.

4. When in doubt about whether to listen or speak, keep listening.
   Be an Effective Listener!, Dianne Schilling, Women's Media

   Many of us have the habit of jumping in the conversation at the first breath the speaker takes. Worse, some of us just speak over the others who are already speaking. I call this a listening-free zone.

   The key thing I've learned is that the most powerful thing you can do is listen. You don't have to have the last word. You don't have to get credit for anything. I've always led in groups — you know, get people around the table to discuss an issue. But now I hold back what I think. I say to myself, "Not now, not now! Wait, wait!" This new approach has changed my life.

   Debbie Hopkins, Chief Operations and Technology Officer, Citigroup Fortune, Oct 13, 2003

   The emphasis here is on "keep listening." That presumes listening was occurring. If not, then go to one of the other steps. Take actions to keep the speaker talking. Continuing to listen is one action. Use encouraging questions to keep the speaker on a roll.

3. Don't assume you have to do anything but listen.
   A Dozen Ways to Shut Up and Listen, Joe Wynne, Gantthead

   Listening is sometimes all that someone wants from us. They receive it as a gift when they get it. People talk about active listening as a set of actions one takes while listening. For instance, repeating what is said, saying, "Go on." nodding ones head. None of this is important if you give all of your attention to the speaker. The speaker will recognize listening. There's nothing more that you have to do.

2. Work at listening.
   Ten Keys to Effective Listening, Ohio University

   We work on our golf game and our public speaking. Children work on their penmanship and at practicing scales on musical instruments. Skill builds with practice. Feedback is critical to know that practice is working. Make an effort to learn to listen better. As you would do for anything that is important to you, set aside time, be intentional, and assess your performance to adjust your actions in the next round of listening.

   Exercise: Enlist others (a learning partner) in your listening efforts. Share your listening goals. Invite people to observe and comment on your listening. Also ask people to tell you their experience of being listened by you. Assess your progress with the familiar mastery questions:

   1. What am I learning?
   2. What am I good at?
   3. What will I give my attention to?

   Share these assessments with a learning partner to build support.

1. Listen generously with a willingness to be influenced.
   Listen Generously: You Might Even Learn Something, Deborah London Baker, London Baker Group

   To be generous with our listening entails keeping open the possibility that we don't understand what is being said and why. What you might understand as a critical comment could be a veiled request. When you think you understand why someone has the opinion they express they could have 'reasons' that might not even be revealed to the speaker.

   Exercise: Engage the speaker with the question, Why do you say that? Come from a mood of curiosity and speak the question as an invitation to share how the speaker sees the world. Use follow-up questions to learn more about the speaker's views. Reflect on your own assumptions or inferences

Masterful listening is effortless.

Mastery is developed over an extended time. With mastery comes a freedom of action. People who have mastered any skill say they don't think about what they do, they just do. With all there is for leaders to be concerned, becoming masterful at listening will produce a great payback. Practice each skill every day for at least two weeks. Your team (and your family) will thank you for it.